Saturday, January 2, 2016

Divorce just sucks doesn't it?

Whoever told you that divorce was easy was a blatant liar. It's anything but, although I have to admit that I too fell into the "stupid" category when I started mine. You see I believed that it was a mutual understanding, when you sign that paper on the dotted line that usually means "we are done, through, finito, aaaaannnd for some it doesn't. That's where my ex falls in, into the "I thought it was just a break" category. I don't know what gave him that idea since I drew up papers and filed them and he did sign them. All I know is he is not a happy camper with me at the moment.

You see I'm the kind of girl who's when she's! There is no thinking further into it for me as I have been thinking about it already. You know the feeling? When you have mulled that decision over in your head time and again and you always come up with the same answer eventually, the right one, the gut feeling, that's when you need to go with it. Your mind knows it's time even if your heart doesn't. We hang onto things, people, places for far to long because we are afraid to live. As I sit here and type this now I am afraid, afraid to be alone, afraid to be with someone else and be smothered, afraid to show weakness, rage, jealousy, love. I am just afraid...and you know what? That's ok. You hear me? IT IS OK TO BE AFRAID. It's healthy in a way, everyone needs fear to help us remember we are only human. I am betting my ex is afraid now too and as much as I want to reach out and comfort him by talking to him like I used too, I cannot. It would only make it harder for him to let me go, it would just hurt him more and he deserves a better life than the one we had together. So I won't pick up the phone and call him because I am alone tonight, or sad, or scared. Some things I have to do on my own as frightening as that seems.

Don't get me wrong I don't love him anymore, but I do have a heart and compassion and I ache knowing that I hurt him. I've cried and still do over this decision we made, well mostly I made, but that doesn't mean it was a wrong one, it just means it a hard one. Nothing in life is easy and if it is, then it isn't worth having. I just couldn't live one more precious day knowing that I do not love this man the same and he has said the same to me, that he wasn't in love with me but that he did love me. That wasn't enough and I needed more. Sometimes two people just don't click like they used too and the world you built together crumbles and you do your best not to take anyone else down with you when it goes to hell. Oh hell I guess I am writing this mostly to get it off my chest like therapy, but also so maybe, just maybe someone out there can relate to this and not feel so alone. 

I was talking to my Pastor today at work about my situation and I was unloading on him about my feelings like someone said I should and it backfired. The Pastor said to me "Michele, I'm going to tell you a story" he said" I was on the phone with my sister after a terrible divorce with my wife and companion of 50 years and she said to me as I cry and complain to her about my feelings, she said "Clarence you act like you're the only one in the world who has gone through this. It's time to suck it up, that's enough. "I'm not sure what I was supposed to take away from that conversation so here I sit and write instead in hopes that it will heal me. Religion was never my friend I suppose. In closing just know that you are not the only one going through this I guess, but ya know what? It sure as hell feels like it doesn't it?

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