Wednesday, January 13, 2016

My life is a country song...

The past 4 months has been pretty crappy and also pretty good but mostly an emotional rollercoaster. I've been through a divorce, my sister's surgery, my dog died, I almost got evicted from an error, and now my mom's sick and hospitalized. I believe I am just missing the part where I was drunk when my mom got out of prison. I mean seriously I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. I'm waiting to catch a break, I'm waiting on 2016 to be better, in short I'm waiting on a miracle. 
When I asked God if it could get any worse I think he said "challenge accepted!" I want a break!  I just want a peaceful, boring,happy life. Is that too much to ask? I had someone tell me the other day. They said "Michele, I've noticed that when life starts going good for you something comes along to screw it up." he said " you have a happy moment and then boom. Its like you have bad luck." Now when a total stranger says this to you then you know it's a bad situation. Some people believe we make our own luck ...not me. I believe that I am the 1 in 10 but for once it would be nice to be the 1 in 10 that won something. :-(

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

RIP Peanut beloved companion

Today was a horrible day in the events of days. Today I had to put my Peanut my precious dog down. He had been sick for a while and he was old, he lived a good life but it was still very hard to do. I got a call this morning from my ex that Peanut wasn't doing well and to meet him at the vet, there we all decided this was the best and most painless solution. We waited in the room with him while they gave him a sedative and we held him and comforted him as he drifted off to sleep. I haven't cried that hard in a long time, well since my step mother died.

It's sad to think that I cried harder for the death of this beautiful creature more than I did my own divorce. There is just something about our pets that make them more than that.They are family, our furry and feathery babies. There is no describing what I endured emotionally today and what my ex did as other than heartbreaking. I stayed and watched the light leave his eyes and I cried and cried so much that I could have cried an ocean. I came home and let my dogs his brothers sniff me and catch his scent and then I cried some more. They licked away my tears and they made small howling noises as well as if they knew, like they could smell his death all over me.

There is no moral here , no happy ending, no joke to make you laugh. Just a sad , sad, blog on how I feel in hope that putting it down I somehow send out the pain into the world and be rid of it. To many who read this he was just a dog, but to me he was our buddy, our companion and he deserved more than this. Sadly there are no charity programs for vets like there are for people and hospitals to absorb the cost, so I guess there is a moral. The moral is if you're a pet you're screwed thanks to our system. It would be nice for people who truly care for animals and have the facility to take care of them donate their services to people like me who are financially strapped and cannot afford four thousand dollar surgeries. Even if he had the surgery chances were slim as he was old and frail, so treasure your fur babies while you have this short time with them.

                                                                 R I P PEANUT 

Saturday, January 2, 2016

Divorce just sucks doesn't it?

Whoever told you that divorce was easy was a blatant liar. It's anything but, although I have to admit that I too fell into the "stupid" category when I started mine. You see I believed that it was a mutual understanding, when you sign that paper on the dotted line that usually means "we are done, through, finito, aaaaannnd for some it doesn't. That's where my ex falls in, into the "I thought it was just a break" category. I don't know what gave him that idea since I drew up papers and filed them and he did sign them. All I know is he is not a happy camper with me at the moment.

You see I'm the kind of girl who's when she's! There is no thinking further into it for me as I have been thinking about it already. You know the feeling? When you have mulled that decision over in your head time and again and you always come up with the same answer eventually, the right one, the gut feeling, that's when you need to go with it. Your mind knows it's time even if your heart doesn't. We hang onto things, people, places for far to long because we are afraid to live. As I sit here and type this now I am afraid, afraid to be alone, afraid to be with someone else and be smothered, afraid to show weakness, rage, jealousy, love. I am just afraid...and you know what? That's ok. You hear me? IT IS OK TO BE AFRAID. It's healthy in a way, everyone needs fear to help us remember we are only human. I am betting my ex is afraid now too and as much as I want to reach out and comfort him by talking to him like I used too, I cannot. It would only make it harder for him to let me go, it would just hurt him more and he deserves a better life than the one we had together. So I won't pick up the phone and call him because I am alone tonight, or sad, or scared. Some things I have to do on my own as frightening as that seems.

Don't get me wrong I don't love him anymore, but I do have a heart and compassion and I ache knowing that I hurt him. I've cried and still do over this decision we made, well mostly I made, but that doesn't mean it was a wrong one, it just means it a hard one. Nothing in life is easy and if it is, then it isn't worth having. I just couldn't live one more precious day knowing that I do not love this man the same and he has said the same to me, that he wasn't in love with me but that he did love me. That wasn't enough and I needed more. Sometimes two people just don't click like they used too and the world you built together crumbles and you do your best not to take anyone else down with you when it goes to hell. Oh hell I guess I am writing this mostly to get it off my chest like therapy, but also so maybe, just maybe someone out there can relate to this and not feel so alone. 

I was talking to my Pastor today at work about my situation and I was unloading on him about my feelings like someone said I should and it backfired. The Pastor said to me "Michele, I'm going to tell you a story" he said" I was on the phone with my sister after a terrible divorce with my wife and companion of 50 years and she said to me as I cry and complain to her about my feelings, she said "Clarence you act like you're the only one in the world who has gone through this. It's time to suck it up, that's enough. "I'm not sure what I was supposed to take away from that conversation so here I sit and write instead in hopes that it will heal me. Religion was never my friend I suppose. In closing just know that you are not the only one going through this I guess, but ya know what? It sure as hell feels like it doesn't it?