Thursday, October 22, 2015

Filing your life away

So today I filed for divorce, the process was actually quite easy too easy. I think it's harder to get married than it is to get divorced and I just don't think that that's right somehow.When I was there , there was a bailiff who was going around greeting everyone so nicely and then he saw me and said hey there sweetie where have you been? He was an older man like a grandfather type, I think he could see that I was scared, lost, confused. In a nutshell I looked like a deer caught in headlights since I have never done this before. He made me smile, directed me where to go and from there it was all easy and also very sad. It's sad that you can sum up ten years of marriage with a single pen stroke and end it all. I also think paperwork is ridiculous. Who is the state of Texas to tell me that someone is my husband or not? In my heart I had divorced him a long time ago as many couples do, sometimes two people just grow apart.

Today when I was at the grocery store after I left the courthouse I was shopping and I was leaving the store and I saw a lady that looked like my stepmom Sherri and it made me think that even though I feel like I'm alone and I am scared my mom is still there for me when I need her. Just seeing that lady that looked like her, showed me that mom was saying " Hey, I may not be there in physical form but I'm there with you in spirit and you can do this Michelle.You're strong and you always have been and you can do this." I think that's something like what she would have said it just saddens me. I was scared when I walked into the courthouse, a little lost, a nervous wreck it's not like this is something that I didn't want to do but its a big thing to do.It's the ending of a chapter in my life and the beginning of a new one and change is a scary thing that no one really likes, but we all just adjust to it and that's what I did today. I adjusted and when I left that courthouse I felt a sense of freedom, like a weight was lifted off of me, very much like the day that I left the house and got my own place. I felt free and that's how I know that this is the right thing to do. Funny how breaking up is a lot like getting together, the feelings are clearly there and like the old saying goes "when you know, you just know."

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