Thursday, October 22, 2015

Filing your life away

So today I filed for divorce, the process was actually quite easy too easy. I think it's harder to get married than it is to get divorced and I just don't think that that's right somehow.When I was there , there was a bailiff who was going around greeting everyone so nicely and then he saw me and said hey there sweetie where have you been? He was an older man like a grandfather type, I think he could see that I was scared, lost, confused. In a nutshell I looked like a deer caught in headlights since I have never done this before. He made me smile, directed me where to go and from there it was all easy and also very sad. It's sad that you can sum up ten years of marriage with a single pen stroke and end it all. I also think paperwork is ridiculous. Who is the state of Texas to tell me that someone is my husband or not? In my heart I had divorced him a long time ago as many couples do, sometimes two people just grow apart.

Today when I was at the grocery store after I left the courthouse I was shopping and I was leaving the store and I saw a lady that looked like my stepmom Sherri and it made me think that even though I feel like I'm alone and I am scared my mom is still there for me when I need her. Just seeing that lady that looked like her, showed me that mom was saying " Hey, I may not be there in physical form but I'm there with you in spirit and you can do this Michelle.You're strong and you always have been and you can do this." I think that's something like what she would have said it just saddens me. I was scared when I walked into the courthouse, a little lost, a nervous wreck it's not like this is something that I didn't want to do but its a big thing to do.It's the ending of a chapter in my life and the beginning of a new one and change is a scary thing that no one really likes, but we all just adjust to it and that's what I did today. I adjusted and when I left that courthouse I felt a sense of freedom, like a weight was lifted off of me, very much like the day that I left the house and got my own place. I felt free and that's how I know that this is the right thing to do. Funny how breaking up is a lot like getting together, the feelings are clearly there and like the old saying goes "when you know, you just know."

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

My life in a nutshell at the moment

Sometimes in life you just have to do things alone, tonight I feel alone but that's okay because it will pass. Sometimes we don't value the things that we have in life or sometimes we know what we have and we value it ,but it's just not right for us.  When you're alone in the dark crying it's okay this too will pass as does everything, it's just a fleeting. I literally walked away from everything ,everything that I've ever worked hard for in my life, the house the family, I walked away from it because I wasn't happy and you can have all the riches in the world and be surrounded by people who say they love you and still feel like there's more to life than what this is. He and I didn't get along there was no doubt about that ,but there are moments in time and you can climb the hill or the mountain you can do this, it's okay to be alone sometimes it's okay to cry; we need to feel the pain to make us human but it still hurts like hell doing it and it's something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Sometimes you can be loved by lots of people and still feel alone in the dark that's how I feel tonight alone, in the dark, sad and afraid. I'm afraid to live my life; I'm afraid to end up alone ;I'm afraid to end up with somebody and hate them or them hate me. I'm just afraid of life and I guess that's normal, I guess everyone goes through that.Tonight I put on a happy face for my best friend on her birthday so that she could be happy but inside I wasn't happy I was sad. I felt alone and angry and scared but I braved it out and put on a smile because just because my life is  undecided doesn't mean that she should suffer for it. Today is her day she's happy; she knows what she wants from her life she has a family and a house and everything is perfect in get life and that's good. Sometimes we suck it up for those we love and if I've learned anything from my life.   its that I'm tough and I can do this and I will do this and I will get through this and I don't need anyone to make me feel important I have to do this on my own but it's also really nice to be loved.

Thursday, October 15, 2015

I love you to the moon and back...

Did you ever just look at that one person and think, are we going to be together forever,is this the one? God I hope it is.Did you ever just wonder am I going to be alone forever or is this the person I am going to move to the country with, live and die with?That's the beauty of life I guess and also the tragedy you never know, you never really know where life is going to take you until it does and then just you just have to grab on, like you're on a roller coaster and hang on like hell until you get through it.There's ups and downs and everything in between and its scary as hell. I know, I'm terrified sometimes but then I look at that person and  pray that they'll love me forever and that I'll love him forever and that we'll be ok.Then I get scared that he'll see right through me and maybe he won't like what he sees and then I will be alone because he couldn't love me ,but if I couldn't have him I don't think I want anybody else, he's all there is for me I don't think he knows that.

When he reads this it may scare him but I think he needs to know how truly special he is to me and that I can't imagine spending my life with anybody else but then again a year ago I wouldn't imagine my life the way it is now.  He's not rich and I'm not rich but together we could have more than we ever dreamed of.He's smart and funny and he makes me laugh and those are really the important things in life when you pay attention to someone, when you do things with them; money isn't the object, money is unimportant.It's the life you live together is what counts, when you are there for one another money is just a filler. However people's actions determine how the future goes and we will just see. I have learned through all this to take life one day at a time and that's all I can do. Something changed in me with this older age or with the divorce I'm not sure which but I know now why I went through all that I did. I went through it to learn and grow as a person and to decide what it is I truly want from life. Through the cancer scare, the divorce, the drugs and drinking and all the messes in between , I learned a valuable lesson.

Life is short, it is what we make of it and if you are one to sit there and complain about life and how it has cheated you, you're wrong in my humble opinion. You cheated you , not
We are the makers of our fate, we subconsciously make decisions that impact our lives and we learn from these choices. I have grown and although it was and has been a long hard road I get it now. Only I can make myself happy and pray that others around me just flow and ebb with my changing tides and I with theirs. If there comes a point in life that we do not mesh, it is okay to let go now. I tried for too long to cling to what wasn't there anymore and all it did was make me miserable. I won't do that again, just because you let someone go in your life doesn't mean you don't love them,it means you love yourself more.....and that's what is important, isn't it?

In closing I would like to quote Oscar Wilde a man who had a way with words and one of my favorite writers. There really are no mistakes in life, only learning experiences.

 "Experience is the name we give our mistakes" - Oscar Wilde

Monday, October 12, 2015


Today at work we were having a discussion about divorce when a vender of our decided to chime in on the subject and then proceeded to tell me how he doesn't believe in it and that we as a society give up on marriage too easily. Amazingly, I bit my tongue and cheek and lip, trying to maintain professionalism until unexpectedly my assistant manager chimed in. She said" Have you ever been married?" To which his reply stuttering was " Uh uh uh" Then she said "Well you just need to keep quiet then about things you obviously know nothing about" I was taken aback by this comment because she NEVER chimes in like that on personal matters. What she said to defend not only me but every woman in that room was for lack of a better word...awesome! I mean while I was getting belittled for my life choices she cut him off as she saw he was tearing me down unintentionally.

With that being said here are some things NOT to say to your divorcing or recently divorced friends:

1. Oh I'm so sorry

Really? No shit? You don't say? What exactly are you sorry about? The fact that you think I am lonely now or that I failed at marriage? Don't be sorry , it's like going to the gym to weigh yourself and finding out you lost about 235 lbs of dead weight.

2. Well you'll find someone else, you're still young. -_-

Wow! okay good cause I was totally freaking out about being alone for the rest of my life instead of freaking out about Oh I don't know...finances, divorce papers,the kids,.. . shit like that.

3.You guys seemed so happy, what happened?

Well let me tell you chicken puff, we were happy once upon a time, but then like SHIT happened and he and I could only fake so many smiles before either one  of us poisoned or shot the other.We became so good at this we could have had our own sitcom....the end.

What I'm getting at here is we all have our shit to deal with and people shouldn't judge you for it. You don't know my story and I don't know yours. If you don't believe in divorce that's fine but as for me with my first marriage I didn't think it sane to stay with a man who beat me and treated me like dog crap in front of my kid and I would encourage you as well, not to do the same.The second marriage ,well that's a whole other story and one I won't share at the moment. In short we all got baggage baby and some is a little lighter than others but there's always dirty laundry in it.