Thursday, September 24, 2015

The side effects of divorce

Divorce, separation whatever you call it, it's bullshit. It's shitty, painful, sad and demoralizing at best. No I won't sugar coat that shit for short BLOWS. Everywhere I go I encounter remorse, from strangers even. When I was in the bank and had to explain my situation and I got "I'm sorry".When people I knew found out I got "I'm sorry" "that sucks" etc...
It was as if someone died and for me it kinda felt like that for a while, I stopped eating, couldn't sleep, depressed,but now honestly...that shit's gone. I feel free, happy, scared, but exhilarated. I am my own person again, no longer do I live for someone else's needs nor should I ever but that is what we do sometimes when we for that person instead of ourselves and then we lose who we are in the process. Now I get to find me again.

The truth is I didn't like who I had become when I was with him. I was cranky, bitchy, medicated (for his sake) and sad. I am not that person anymore, I am me again. Happy, carefree, still nervous but sane. I have no anger to hold onto, no rage, no cares about that life anymore. I'm sure he feels the same way. We are free again.

When it comes to a point in your relationship that when you look at someone and wish you could slap the life from them, then it's time to call it quits for both your sake.Sometimes so much resentment and anger build up that one day they release that anger and that can be devastating. So you at that point need to just let go. Actually the other day I was talking to my daughter about it and I was saying that after 10 years of marriage how can he dismiss it so easily, not that I wanted to stay but I feel some remorse for what was and she said simply "Mom I think he was done a while ago and it's time for you to move on" that statement threw me. I mean how could my kid see that and I never did? I didn't see a lot of things and I think I walked into that relationship with rose colored glasses and only saw the good and not the negative, until one day I did and I didn't like who I was with anymore.To me he was not the man I married and that was the truth. He hid his demons from me and that was the ultimate ruin of everything and in him doing that I got in touch with my inner demons and hated who I had become, that was when I knew it had to stop and so did he.

So when you talk to me do not ask how I am holding up because I want you to know I am a survivor and I am "holding up"  just fine emotionally. Truth be told I have not been this happy in a long time thanks to a few dear friends. I love my life and as I always is short, don't waste it!. I don't intend to anymore and I will find the one for me or not because I don't need someone to complete me. I complete me and that's all I need, but I have faith that I will be with the one I am supposed to be with in due time. God has a plan for me and him and I have hope and when I do I welcome him, because I am ready to move forward and be happy again.

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