Sunday, September 6, 2015

Separation, Divorce and other nasty life experiences

Lately I have been reflecting a lot on my life and it's current state. In a nut shell, it's a mess at the moment, you see I am going through a separation and soon after that a divorce I'm sure of it. To many of you this comes as no shock, we all knew it would end this way, we just wondered when. Most people that know were surprised it lasted this long, that we didn't throw the towel in sooner, which shocked me ,I mean I was taken by surprise by the whole thing. One day you are watching t.v . going about your routine and the next BOOM you're having a glass of wine and laying it all out on the table. Sometimes you just can't fake it anymore, no more fake smiles, fake hugs, insincere I love you's. Don't get me wrong there is still love there, but it's different now, broken, faded, almost gone. I have cried for days and will continue to cry for many more because this is a  mourning process. I am mourning the death of my 10 plus years of life, love, and family wasted. That is truly something to mourn and we can both point fingers at one another but in the end it was both of us that failed at life and love.

It hurts , I am not going to lie. You have so many random thoughts about the future, will I end up alone, can someone love me, how will I survive? Who gets what in the divorce and then there's the friends you've accumulated, who gets those in the divorce. Trust me that happens more than you realize. Then there's all the I'm sorry's you get ,like someone died and in a sense they did. It's really an ugly process and one I wouldn't wish on anyone in the world and if you are going through this now, you have my deepest condolences and empathy. I am a plethora of feelings right now, every nerve is on end, raw and sensitive. You want to cry and crawl into a bed , but you CAN'T !You hear me? You must push on and keep doing the things you did before, you may NOT fall prey to the depression. YOU cry and say your goodbyes, come to acknowledge your failures and the you get the fuck up and move on! Do not wallow in it or you may never recover.

Today I sat in this tub full of bubbles soaking trying to "meditate" as someone very close to me put it. He said meditation is good for your well being, clearing your mind and giving you a positive attitude and energy, but as much as I would LOVE to be able to do this I cannot. I am a scattered , tattered mess of a human and it's just not in my DNA to calm my mind. So as I lay there in this tub it suddenly hits me that I have always lived my ENTIRE life taking care of someone and now what will I do? It was my sister when we were kids, my grandparents as a teen, my first husband and then my kid and now my current husband. Then it occured to me that maybe the reason I married him in the first place is that I didn't feel like a complete person unless I was a caregiver to someone.I mean I had been bred for it my entire life and it's all I ever knew. Then suddenly I was scared. Who was I going to care for now? My daughter is growing up and almost out on her own and I will be left alone possibly and left to look inside myself and really find out who I am and what I like and not what I was adapting myself to. In some sense I was already doing this "finding myself" and that is what probably helped contribute to the downfall of the marriage as well as his shortcomings. They can either stand by you through this process or it becomes too much for them or you and it unravels sadly. Truth is we lost the respect and being in love a while ago and what we were left with was complacentness and that for some is enough, but for me ,life is too short to settle for loveless lives.

Now I will continue my journey to find the real me and it will be scary but I have a support system of family and friends that I pray stand by me and pick me up when I fall apart. He deserved more and so do I and this although sad and terrible will soon pass and LIFE WILL GO ON.I mean it has too, because time only moves forward and there is no rewind on this life.When I look at my daughter and she smiles at me and makes me laugh,I know it will all be ok.Divorce is ugly and I pray we both find our journey and destination.

3 comments:

  1. Well I love you and will always be there for you.

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