Tuesday, September 29, 2015

In the wake of disaster ...comes the vultures.

Well ladies you all know what I'm talking about. Anytime a woman breaks up or gets a divorce and is on the market again the vultures swarm. Frankly I find it disturbing that any self respecting man would pounce on someone in such a fragile state but alas it happens. Now I know you guys reading this are " well she is on the market and you women want us to pay attention to you" Whoever just said that to themselves is probably a vulture because the self respecting man would give you space to breathe and not crowd you, flirt with you and make inappropriate comments to you via Facebook, text, email whatever.

That's right you down and dirty scoundrels I'm talking about you! Let me just lay it out now shall I?
If you ever thought you had a shot, well by acting like a complete ass you lost it. I would probably rather have honey slathered all over me and then fire ants unleashed upon me than go out with someone who treats me like a piece of meat. Also I rather like being on my own, no one to answer to and I certainly don't want some vulture!

The other day I was on POF trying to check on something for a friend but had to make up a profile to do so..with  no pic and my first date bio reading My perfect first date would be to murder you, throw you in my trunk, take your body to the woods and watch the birds peck your eyes out slowly. " I still got 25 hits in an hour! WTF! I mean really? There are some sick fuckers out there and needless to say I won't be looking anything up for anyone again.

There is a fine line of genuine concern and downright fishing! Just the other day I was out at the grocery store and I was approached by some random guy asking if I needed help getting something off the top shelf at which I replied quickly "No". "Are you sure" he asked...I thought to myself "No I'm a complete idiot and invalid and can't do shit by myself" I retrieved it all by my lonesome and went about my shopping to which he stalked me through the store and finally asked me out to coffee. My reply "No but thank you" He said "Awww come on not even a friendly coffee?" To which I swiftly replied "No I'm sure I said no already" at that point he had already creeped me out stalking me and then pressuring me to go out just pissed me off. Let me tell you ,I am not like other girls, I am rude and straight forward and if I wanted to go out with you you'd know, I am pretty assertive after all. The point is this, just because there is no ring on my finger doesn't mean that I need someone, in due time I will be with someone again that can hear a tune only my heart plays, but right now I want space as do all other women going through this. We don't need a knight in shining armour or a "booty call" my booty is just fine thank you. It's probably a miracle I even got married in the first place and you know what I'm okay with it.

So for all you "vultures" BACK THE FUCK OFF PLEASE. We do not need you nor want you or your harassing remarks such as beautiful, gorgeous, sugar, honey etc.. I am not any of those to you unless you are my boyfriend got it! I don't need friends like that in my life anyway. The rest of you that have been respectful THANK YOU it is appreciated and I note your genuine concern. So with that being said ladies please know that you are not alone.

(side note) Please gentlemen respect these women and don't appear desperate ,it's very unattractive. For those of you who are good friends , keep up the good work and give her her space as needed. : )

Thursday, September 24, 2015

The side effects of divorce

Divorce, separation whatever you call it, it's bullshit. It's shitty, painful, sad and demoralizing at best. No I won't sugar coat that shit for you..in short ..it BLOWS. Everywhere I go I encounter remorse, from strangers even. When I was in the bank and had to explain my situation and I got "I'm sorry".When people I knew found out I got "I'm sorry" "that sucks" etc...
It was as if someone died and for me it kinda felt like that for a while, I stopped eating, couldn't sleep, depressed,but now honestly...that shit's gone. I feel free, happy, scared, but exhilarated. I am my own person again, no longer do I live for someone else's needs nor should I ever but that is what we do sometimes when we marry..live for that person instead of ourselves and then we lose who we are in the process. Now I get to find me again.

The truth is I didn't like who I had become when I was with him. I was cranky, bitchy, medicated (for his sake) and sad. I am not that person anymore, I am me again. Happy, carefree, still nervous but sane. I have no anger to hold onto, no rage, no cares about that life anymore. I'm sure he feels the same way. We are free again.

When it comes to a point in your relationship that when you look at someone and wish you could slap the life from them, then it's time to call it quits for both your sake.Sometimes so much resentment and anger build up that one day they release that anger and that can be devastating. So you at that point need to just let go. Actually the other day I was talking to my daughter about it and I was saying that after 10 years of marriage how can he dismiss it so easily, not that I wanted to stay but I feel some remorse for what was and she said simply "Mom I think he was done a while ago and it's time for you to move on" that statement threw me. I mean how could my kid see that and I never did? I didn't see a lot of things and I think I walked into that relationship with rose colored glasses and only saw the good and not the negative, until one day I did and I didn't like who I was with anymore.To me he was not the man I married and that was the truth. He hid his demons from me and that was the ultimate ruin of everything and in him doing that I got in touch with my inner demons and hated who I had become, that was when I knew it had to stop and so did he.

So when you talk to me do not ask how I am holding up because I want you to know I am a survivor and I am "holding up"  just fine emotionally. Truth be told I have not been this happy in a long time thanks to a few dear friends. I love my life and as I always preach...life is short, don't waste it!. I don't intend to anymore and I will find the one for me or not because I don't need someone to complete me. I complete me and that's all I need, but I have faith that I will be with the one I am supposed to be with in due time. God has a plan for me and him and I have hope and when I do I welcome him, because I am ready to move forward and be happy again.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

In the face of adversity, God sends angels in the form of friends

I want to start off with saying how blessed I truly am for the wonderful outpouring of friendship and concern I have received over the last few weeks. You guys have really been great and I appreciate it more than you know. People I haven't really spoken to in person in years or even ever across the globe have texted me and messaged me asking how I am holding up. I want you to know that
kiddo and I are doing  okay and that everyday has it's ups and downs. Most people are very private about their lives and I sometimes am, but to blog about this has been a type of therapy for me and in doing so I hope that I reach others who are experiencing the same feelings I am and let them know that they are not alone.

I love to write, to write frees me and helps clear my head. I love it when people message me and say"I read your story on so in so and I connected to it." I love to reach people that is part of the reason I do what I do for a living, to be there for people in need. If you connect to me or a story I wrote and feel a little better then I achieved my goal. If I made you laugh I met my goal and if I made you cry I  connected to something deep inside you. That is what I aim for, to stir your soul and I would appreciate any comments or feedback you have on my stories. Post it on my wall, or blog even better! Subscribe to me even, because you never know if I'll make you laugh, cry, angry or crazy. I love you all and thank you for reading my posts, because at least that way someone is listening.

It's okay to lose your shit!

People have been asking me, "How are you?' and I usually say fine, ok, good but that's a lie and we all know it. The truth is I'm far from fine, ok and good and it's more like I'm scared, sad, anxious and exhausted. There is no good answer when you are going through a separation, no good anything really. I have people come up to me and say "I'm so sorry hon" and I think that's nice but sorry for what? I am and he is also free of the drama now.It is like someone died though and you do mourn unless you're really glad it's over like some people feel or act. I am not glad it's over and I am in some ways, sometimes change is a good thing and we all need that. I just don't like it ,being a Scorpio we don't like it, it's a thing but I will adapt as I always have and survive.

This morning I wasn't very adaptable though or last night. Last night my kid is throwing life changes at me I cannot handle on top of my own at the moment. She wants to switch jobs and right now that is not a good idea as our life is up in the air. I said just wait till we get settled then we can decide, I have altered my work schedule to fit hers and now is not a good time. She's a teen and you can imagine how that went down, the concept of NO eludes them and well I lost my shit. 
This morning I wake up and simply do not want to leave my bed, I want to hide under those covers forever and make all this magically better but that isn't going to happen. So I pick my ass up and go make coffee to which the Keurig wants to be a bitch, unknowing that I'm a bigger one. Now I don't know how many times is the standard protocol to hit a Keurig before it works but this morning it was 3 just for future reference. I got my shitty, watered down coffee by God! Then I went to the bedroom and screamed. I screamed so loud the neighbors probably thought I was getting murdered. I cried and yelled and screamed and let it all go..in other words I lost my shit and you know what...that's okay ladies to lose your shit every once in a while. In fact I encourage it, meditation ain't got nothing on yelling so loud glass breaks. 

There is something liberating about it, it's like all that anger you have pent up, that rage, that sadness, that resentment for the way things should be in your eyes, it all goes away. You scream and cry and then you feel better and move the fuck on. For those of you going through this right now I tell you ...
IT WILL BE OKAY. I promise you it will, we feel like our world is crumbling and it is, but we also have the strength deep within us to rebuild it and make it better. I talked to a friend yesterday who is going through this too and I felt for her, but I want her to know that it will be okay, she will be okay, I will be okay and it is okay to occasionally just LOSE YOUR SHIT. 

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Orange is in fact the new black!

No this isn't a blog about fashion or prison ,but it is about life changes.
I have been watching that series OITNB and it's taught me some things about life. Right now I'm going through a rough patch and I like to refer to that series to make sense of my life. In fact I find it funny that I dislike Piper so much but can also relate to her in some way. I over think everything, try to be the peace keeper, always open my mouth when it should be shut and most of all hold stuff in until I snap! Next thing you know I'm beating the shit out of some chick in a parking lot.
Mostly I like Red, she's a sassy, smart, tough ,Russian cook in the prison who no one wants to piss off. She is also very good hearted and wants to take care of "her girls"as she calls them, until they turn on her. I can relate to that too..when you thought you had a friend but they stab you in the back? You have to be careful of those false friends that smile and hug you only to pray you fall down. They are the worst and saddest of all because their life is so miserable and seeing you suffer makes them feel better.
Getting back to show ,I love the fact that even though they are all different races and religion's that they come together as a family of women looking out for each other even though they are diverse. Ultimately that's it ladies we only have each other sometimes because we are the only ones that can relate to another woman. Men cannot do this nor can we relate to them. So when a female is your friend and disrespects you, then that is a sad day because we are women and if we can't trust men we should at least be able to trust each other. So with that I end this story with...life's a bitch but karma is worse my friend. ; )

Sunday, September 6, 2015

Separation, Divorce and other nasty life experiences

Lately I have been reflecting a lot on my life and it's current state. In a nut shell, it's a mess at the moment, you see I am going through a separation and soon after that a divorce I'm sure of it. To many of you this comes as no shock, we all knew it would end this way, we just wondered when. Most people that know were surprised it lasted this long, that we didn't throw the towel in sooner, which shocked me ,I mean I was taken by surprise by the whole thing. One day you are watching t.v . going about your routine and the next BOOM you're having a glass of wine and laying it all out on the table. Sometimes you just can't fake it anymore, no more fake smiles, fake hugs, insincere I love you's. Don't get me wrong there is still love there, but it's different now, broken, faded, almost gone. I have cried for days and will continue to cry for many more because this is a  mourning process. I am mourning the death of my 10 plus years of life, love, and family wasted. That is truly something to mourn and we can both point fingers at one another but in the end it was both of us that failed at life and love.

It hurts , I am not going to lie. You have so many random thoughts about the future, will I end up alone, can someone love me, how will I survive? Who gets what in the divorce and then there's the friends you've accumulated, who gets those in the divorce. Trust me that happens more than you realize. Then there's all the I'm sorry's you get ,like someone died and in a sense they did. It's really an ugly process and one I wouldn't wish on anyone in the world and if you are going through this now, you have my deepest condolences and empathy. I am a plethora of feelings right now, every nerve is on end, raw and sensitive. You want to cry and crawl into a bed , but you CAN'T !You hear me? You must push on and keep doing the things you did before, you may NOT fall prey to the depression. YOU cry and say your goodbyes, come to acknowledge your failures and the you get the fuck up and move on! Do not wallow in it or you may never recover.

Today I sat in this tub full of bubbles soaking trying to "meditate" as someone very close to me put it. He said meditation is good for your well being, clearing your mind and giving you a positive attitude and energy, but as much as I would LOVE to be able to do this I cannot. I am a scattered , tattered mess of a human and it's just not in my DNA to calm my mind. So as I lay there in this tub it suddenly hits me that I have always lived my ENTIRE life taking care of someone and now what will I do? It was my sister when we were kids, my grandparents as a teen, my first husband and then my kid and now my current husband. Then it occured to me that maybe the reason I married him in the first place is that I didn't feel like a complete person unless I was a caregiver to someone.I mean I had been bred for it my entire life and it's all I ever knew. Then suddenly I was scared. Who was I going to care for now? My daughter is growing up and almost out on her own and I will be left alone possibly and left to look inside myself and really find out who I am and what I like and not what I was adapting myself to. In some sense I was already doing this "finding myself" and that is what probably helped contribute to the downfall of the marriage as well as his shortcomings. They can either stand by you through this process or it becomes too much for them or you and it unravels sadly. Truth is we lost the respect and being in love a while ago and what we were left with was complacentness and that for some is enough, but for me ,life is too short to settle for loveless lives.

Now I will continue my journey to find the real me and it will be scary but I have a support system of family and friends that I pray stand by me and pick me up when I fall apart. He deserved more and so do I and this although sad and terrible will soon pass and LIFE WILL GO ON.I mean it has too, because time only moves forward and there is no rewind on this life.When I look at my daughter and she smiles at me and makes me laugh,I know it will all be ok.Divorce is ugly and I pray we both find our journey and destination.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

This moment

TThey lay there naked on the bed  examining one another's body.
She pointed out all her flaws and he his, although neither could see them in each other because their hearts were too full of love to have room for judgment. Her heart belonged to only him,he was like a drug to her.
She opened to him welcoming him like a flower opens it's petals to the sun. She craved his fingers on her skin,caressing her body, wanting him to plant kisses on her neck and stroke her hair while he made her his. She would do anything to live in that moment forever, just them two alone, in love and blissful.