Monday, August 17, 2015

The hardest part is letting, white and gray shades of our world.

For so many years I looked at life as black and white, there was no room for gray. Only recently did I realize that life can never be black and white, it only shades of gray.We want so badly for everything to fall into place, to make sense when nothing else does,but this is impractical thinking. Life throws you many twists and turns, you never know what to make of it and your brain tries to categorize it into little compartments to make sense.This is where we lose ourselves, the very moment we realize that the only thing that was ever there ...was gray, a fine line between love and hate, friends and lovers, life and death, right and wrong. there it is all laid out in front of us and the sad part is most people including myself are so terrified of it, of change, of the neutrality of the situation we cut and run, shut people out, try and save our heart, mind and soul.

Then we build the know the one that wraps around our heart, protects us from our self and everyone else, saves us from the world, life and actually living. I have spent my whole life trying to be "safe" and live in black and white world and  all it ever brought me was misery. I accepted the gray area for now,but sometimes it gets too big and scary and I have to run, run and hide in the darkness of my mind where I am safe again. There will come a day I'm tired of running and being safe and hiding and I will let go, but not yet. I yearn for the day that I can be free to feel and not afraid to hurt or be hurt from it. You'd be surprised at who can hurt you if you let them in, I know I was.Sometimes we willingly hand people the very knives that cut us and then cry about it later. We cry because we were stupid, vulnerable and gave someone we loved, we worshipped, the one we couldn't imaging living a life without them in it; the power to hurt us and then we recede back into our black and white boxes to make it all calm again. We build the hate, rage and pain to push through and make us stronger until we hand someone the hammer to destroy our walls again, praying they are gentle with us, but then sometimes we don't and we just rebuild that wall with steel.Sometimes the hardest part is letting go....

"it's so true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love."
E.A Buchiannari
Brushstrokes of a Gadfly

What do you do when the one person you want comfort from the most is the one who caused your pain? How can I want so desperately for him to wrap me up in his arms but also want so much for him to leave me alone.” 
― Amanda GraceBut I Love Him

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