Thursday, August 13, 2015

Rage, rage against the dying of the light

Today like so many other days I woke up feeling numb. Some days are better than others, some are unbearable. I wake up tired , cranky, withdrawn from the world. The only reason I still have friends is because of Facebook since I rarely go out anymore.  Today I hope will be a better day as I'm forcing myself to go out and socialize. It's not that I don't love my friends, it's that it's easier to be alone and withdrawn than to get out and face the day with a smile when you feel so numb inside.
These days I have to push myself to go to the gym. I have been slacking and I think that's why I'm sad lately. The exercise helps a lot with my sadness, but once it hits you don't have the energy to keep going, you just want to give up. It's a vicious cycle.
I try and keep busy by having hobbies like drawing,  shooting,  knife throwing etc. It helps release some of the anger and resentment I have toward the world and some people in it. I have a lot of issues, I'm not going to lie. I'm not perfect or sweet or cute , I have a demon inside and it's trying to claw it's way out of me. I supress  it by keeping busy and focusing on my family, but some days she comes to the surface and lashes out with her talons and those I love the most in an effort to push them away. She does this because it's easier to control someone who is alone and in despair. Some days she wins, some days I win; the important thing is that I keep fighting and never give in.
For all of those out there who can relate to this I say this.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Dylan Thomas

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