Sunday, August 9, 2015

Depression, how it can consume you entirely if you let it

I have suffered with depression for years. It's a rollercoaster with me,one week I could be happy and singing and the next withdrawn and sobbing. I have taken meds, I have searched for fulfillment, I have given my life to God even but the reality is not even God can fix us. Those who suffer with depression and anxiety understand this and as you read this I want you to know that you are NOT alone. I am there with you, in the dark, in the farthest recesses of your mind where you retreat to, I am there as well.

I know that place where all the dark thoughts hide, where you contemplate whether or not if it's worth it to keep pushing. I am there to tell you it is, you keep fighting,  you are stronger than it, we are stronger and WE will not and cannot let this claim us. When it happens to me, yes I will retreat, I will put up my walls, retreat into my mind, push the people I love away, even do or say things to make them hate me all in an effort to protect them from me. I feel they can do better, they could live a better life without me, I'm not worthy of their love, but this isn't's the demons talking.

                                        Photographer Christian Hopkins Battles his demons

The demons is what I call them because they are the epitome of despair, sadness, hate, rage and self loathing and they are always there clawing at our souls to claim them.We are better and stronger than them, I tell myself this everyday. Everyday it's a battle within myself but as you all know I am a fighter and I will continue to fight these demons that try and dominate me.
You have it in you too, the ability to vanquish them, you just have to be strong and push forward, make yourself do things you don't want to do. I know you're tired all the time, you ache, you just want to crawl in bed and pull the covers over your head and hope it goes away, but that only makes it worse. This my friends is when you fight, you get up, get dressed, apply your cologne, your makeup, brush your teeth and hair, put on your best outfit and go outside. Visit your friends,  go to the gym, breathe the air and listen to the sounds of life all around you and take it all in.
I have a little voice inside my head that clicks on eventually and says "Michele get your miserable ass up and fight this because you have a daughter who needs you, people who love you and would be sad without you.Quit being a selfish bitch and get up for them and for yourself, you are better than this." That is what I tell myself and we all have that inner voice. 

I'm not going to is sad sometimes. It's shitty some days, you get dealt an unfair hand occasionally but it WILL get better if you can force some positive thoughts in there. You may have little money but you have your health, you may not have your health but you have people who love you and would do anything for you. There is ALWAYS a silver lining ,you just have to look for it. Sometimes it's hard to find but that's when we have those special people God places in our life to show us where it is. I have both arms, both legs, my eyesight,  my hearing I already woke up with so much today. Make this day count as it could always be our last. YOU CAN DO THIS! say it to yourself I CAN DO THIS! I will make this day mine and no one can steal it from me. I am NOT alone there are others like me and we can beat this. I have seen so many, too many suicides in the past 8 years that I have been in the funeral business and I refuse to be another statistic. Please don't be one too. I don't want to walk my halls at work and see your name on that plaque, those are the days my heart sinks and I wished to myself that there was something I could have done to have prevented it, but I realize that it was a path walked alone and I was helpless against it. Only you can save yourself, only you can beat this and I know you can because there is strength deep down in us if we only search for it. I will search with you if you need a friend.

With that I leave you with this. I loved Michael Jackson's music and he had his own demons to deal with and this song covers it I believe.

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