Thursday, August 27, 2015

Gun control and random acts of violence

As we all have heard in the media Allison Parker and Adam Ward have been horrifically and tragically murdered. They both had a bright and promising future ahead of them and it was stolen from them and their loved ones. Sadly this happens all too often these days because it seems the world is full of more and more rage.
I know now with this being thrown up in our face by social media ,they are going to push for stronger gun laws. With that being said the problem is not guns, the problem is people!  People are stressed out now more than ever. We are constantly being pushed over the edge by pressure at work, society, life has become more stressful than it was 50 years ago.
The signs were there for this killer and several people ignored the signs, he was unstable and no one wanted to deal with it, he was a time bomb waiting to explode.
People will call for stronger gun laws and in some respect I agree,but I do not think that taking our guns away is a solution, nor when every thug on the street has illegal access to them. There really is no "gun control" that can be done. It wasn't a gun that killed them and it wasn't a "black man" it was a crazy man with hate and rage in his heart. The facts are people that whether we have guns or not , murder is still possible. This man could have had a knife or even a pipe or rock and came up and killed them. If you have the intent in your heart then you WILL find a way. It's not the object that kills them it's all you.
Now they are spinning it into racially motivated attack. I think this is complete bullshit. I don't care what color you are crazy is crazy! CNN and all the other news channels are jumping on this now and all it will do is fuel the fire of hate instead of compassion and love for all the families involved. I have a news flash for you THE MEDIA IS KILLING THIS COUNTRY!  They are fueling anger, racism,  hate for religions and we are buying into the bullshit!  Stop it! Quit being sheep, look around you and who you associate with black, white, Asian, Jew, Catholics, Muslim they are people. They are not a color or religion they are human and we all bleed red. We need to be there for each other not hate each other or kill each other. We as a country have lost our value and morals, we as the human race have lost our humanity and we need to look within ourselves to find it again.

What we need to do is give a psych evaluation to people purchasing guns,that may help but even then they can purchase it illegally. So when you day "gun control " I laugh because there is no control with psychopaths.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Forbidden Love is the truest love

He loved her with the strength of a thousand seas.
When he looked into her eyes he broke down all her walls.
She was helpless against his kiss
That melted the ice around her heart.
She could still smell him on her clothes
and feel his hand on her face.
She was undeniably in love with him
and he with her.
She could only hope that he would always feel this way, because if she lost him
she would surely die of a broken heart.

Monday, August 17, 2015

The hardest part is letting, white and gray shades of our world.

For so many years I looked at life as black and white, there was no room for gray. Only recently did I realize that life can never be black and white, it only shades of gray.We want so badly for everything to fall into place, to make sense when nothing else does,but this is impractical thinking. Life throws you many twists and turns, you never know what to make of it and your brain tries to categorize it into little compartments to make sense.This is where we lose ourselves, the very moment we realize that the only thing that was ever there ...was gray, a fine line between love and hate, friends and lovers, life and death, right and wrong. there it is all laid out in front of us and the sad part is most people including myself are so terrified of it, of change, of the neutrality of the situation we cut and run, shut people out, try and save our heart, mind and soul.

Then we build the know the one that wraps around our heart, protects us from our self and everyone else, saves us from the world, life and actually living. I have spent my whole life trying to be "safe" and live in black and white world and  all it ever brought me was misery. I accepted the gray area for now,but sometimes it gets too big and scary and I have to run, run and hide in the darkness of my mind where I am safe again. There will come a day I'm tired of running and being safe and hiding and I will let go, but not yet. I yearn for the day that I can be free to feel and not afraid to hurt or be hurt from it. You'd be surprised at who can hurt you if you let them in, I know I was.Sometimes we willingly hand people the very knives that cut us and then cry about it later. We cry because we were stupid, vulnerable and gave someone we loved, we worshipped, the one we couldn't imaging living a life without them in it; the power to hurt us and then we recede back into our black and white boxes to make it all calm again. We build the hate, rage and pain to push through and make us stronger until we hand someone the hammer to destroy our walls again, praying they are gentle with us, but then sometimes we don't and we just rebuild that wall with steel.Sometimes the hardest part is letting go....

"it's so true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love."
E.A Buchiannari
Brushstrokes of a Gadfly

What do you do when the one person you want comfort from the most is the one who caused your pain? How can I want so desperately for him to wrap me up in his arms but also want so much for him to leave me alone.” 
― Amanda GraceBut I Love Him

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Rage, rage against the dying of the light

Today like so many other days I woke up feeling numb. Some days are better than others, some are unbearable. I wake up tired , cranky, withdrawn from the world. The only reason I still have friends is because of Facebook since I rarely go out anymore.  Today I hope will be a better day as I'm forcing myself to go out and socialize. It's not that I don't love my friends, it's that it's easier to be alone and withdrawn than to get out and face the day with a smile when you feel so numb inside.
These days I have to push myself to go to the gym. I have been slacking and I think that's why I'm sad lately. The exercise helps a lot with my sadness, but once it hits you don't have the energy to keep going, you just want to give up. It's a vicious cycle.
I try and keep busy by having hobbies like drawing,  shooting,  knife throwing etc. It helps release some of the anger and resentment I have toward the world and some people in it. I have a lot of issues, I'm not going to lie. I'm not perfect or sweet or cute , I have a demon inside and it's trying to claw it's way out of me. I supress  it by keeping busy and focusing on my family, but some days she comes to the surface and lashes out with her talons and those I love the most in an effort to push them away. She does this because it's easier to control someone who is alone and in despair. Some days she wins, some days I win; the important thing is that I keep fighting and never give in.
For all of those out there who can relate to this I say this.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Dylan Thomas

Sunday, August 9, 2015

I am yours

She fell in love with him because the way he looked at her, like he could see through her very soul.
His gaze consumed her and lit a fire deep in within that no one could vanquish.
He admired every part of her body like it was made of the finest jewels.
He even loved her toes and the way she smiled,  as if she were perfect.
It was then she knew she was in trouble,
It was then she knew he was in love.
No man had ever looked at her like that before and she was sure
 that no man would ever look at her that way again.
She lost her heart that night and also her will. 

Depression, how it can consume you entirely if you let it

I have suffered with depression for years. It's a rollercoaster with me,one week I could be happy and singing and the next withdrawn and sobbing. I have taken meds, I have searched for fulfillment, I have given my life to God even but the reality is not even God can fix us. Those who suffer with depression and anxiety understand this and as you read this I want you to know that you are NOT alone. I am there with you, in the dark, in the farthest recesses of your mind where you retreat to, I am there as well.

I know that place where all the dark thoughts hide, where you contemplate whether or not if it's worth it to keep pushing. I am there to tell you it is, you keep fighting,  you are stronger than it, we are stronger and WE will not and cannot let this claim us. When it happens to me, yes I will retreat, I will put up my walls, retreat into my mind, push the people I love away, even do or say things to make them hate me all in an effort to protect them from me. I feel they can do better, they could live a better life without me, I'm not worthy of their love, but this isn't's the demons talking.

                                        Photographer Christian Hopkins Battles his demons

The demons is what I call them because they are the epitome of despair, sadness, hate, rage and self loathing and they are always there clawing at our souls to claim them.We are better and stronger than them, I tell myself this everyday. Everyday it's a battle within myself but as you all know I am a fighter and I will continue to fight these demons that try and dominate me.
You have it in you too, the ability to vanquish them, you just have to be strong and push forward, make yourself do things you don't want to do. I know you're tired all the time, you ache, you just want to crawl in bed and pull the covers over your head and hope it goes away, but that only makes it worse. This my friends is when you fight, you get up, get dressed, apply your cologne, your makeup, brush your teeth and hair, put on your best outfit and go outside. Visit your friends,  go to the gym, breathe the air and listen to the sounds of life all around you and take it all in.
I have a little voice inside my head that clicks on eventually and says "Michele get your miserable ass up and fight this because you have a daughter who needs you, people who love you and would be sad without you.Quit being a selfish bitch and get up for them and for yourself, you are better than this." That is what I tell myself and we all have that inner voice. 

I'm not going to is sad sometimes. It's shitty some days, you get dealt an unfair hand occasionally but it WILL get better if you can force some positive thoughts in there. You may have little money but you have your health, you may not have your health but you have people who love you and would do anything for you. There is ALWAYS a silver lining ,you just have to look for it. Sometimes it's hard to find but that's when we have those special people God places in our life to show us where it is. I have both arms, both legs, my eyesight,  my hearing I already woke up with so much today. Make this day count as it could always be our last. YOU CAN DO THIS! say it to yourself I CAN DO THIS! I will make this day mine and no one can steal it from me. I am NOT alone there are others like me and we can beat this. I have seen so many, too many suicides in the past 8 years that I have been in the funeral business and I refuse to be another statistic. Please don't be one too. I don't want to walk my halls at work and see your name on that plaque, those are the days my heart sinks and I wished to myself that there was something I could have done to have prevented it, but I realize that it was a path walked alone and I was helpless against it. Only you can save yourself, only you can beat this and I know you can because there is strength deep down in us if we only search for it. I will search with you if you need a friend.

With that I leave you with this. I loved Michael Jackson's music and he had his own demons to deal with and this song covers it I believe.