Thursday, October 30, 2014

Why I loved toxic people

Coming from a childhood where I was raised in an alcoholic environment where it was more beneficial to run and hide than to seek attention, I now find myself seeking it as an adult.This can be dangerous to a relationship if you are in one and if you're not it can cause you to be in a toxic one. Let's take me for an example.

There were times when I was a child that I can remember the fighting between my step father and mom,both drinking,both unstable.My real father was never in the picture they divorced when I was only two. Anyways, I remember having friends spend the night only to have to leave the house at 12 am and go sleep in the car with them and my mom because he was drinking again and ready to fight. It was embarrassing to say the least and at times, scary. There was even an instance where they were physically fighting and he pulled a gun on her only to point it at me when I screamed "NO!" He then yelled at me saying that my mother was a bitch and for me to repeat it. I was 7 years old and that memory has stayed with me forever. Some things you just can't forget.

I wondered why she stayed with him after that, why would you subject yourself to that, or your child? I lost a lot of respect and love for her that day and every day after since. My biological mother and I are not close like most mothers and daughters, I never knew that love,that bond was something I would never have with her.I suppose that's why I so desperately sought love and acceptance from people only to be let down each time.You see, us children of drug addicts and alcoholics constantly feel the need to belong ,to be approved of, to be loved. We need this so much sometimes, that we go out into the world and subconsciously seek out someone who has the same qualities as our abusive parents. We try to impress them or get them to love us like we wished our true parents did.I know it sounds psychotic but it's true. I have seen myself do this many times and when we tell ourselves we are not good in relationships, it is partially true.

I for instance ended up in a physically abusive relationship with my first love who I ended up marrying at 16 in an effort to escape my mother. I then divorced many years later at 23 with a two year old daughter to care for on my own, only to end up with a pothead who cheated on me.I finally after 3 years went to AL-ANON at a local church during my lunch breaks in an effort to remove myself from the relationship. Since I was a co-dependent person it was very hard on me and my child.After remaining single a while I finally met the husband I have now and he has been a blessing to me and my daughter for the past 10 years. AL-ANON helped me I believe, to love myself so that I could choose a better life.

 Unless we get to the root of our problems and resolve them we will continuously seek out destructive partners in an attempt to feel some sort of approval or love, hoping subconsciously that it will heal the past,but the past cannot be rewritten and we need to learn to close our wounds not create more.When we are in relationships we still sometimes have that feeling of emptiness.this is the need that we must feed to feel whole. Especially if our partner isn't paying attention to us, we will seek attention out elsewhere. We need to feel connected to someone, we need to feel wanted because we didn't as children.

With that being said, please look to yourself for love in the future if you are constantly having failed relationships. Seek a counselor to help you work through your issues ,so you don't draw those sorts of people to you. Join your local AL-ANON if you need to remove yourself from a relationship that has drugs or alcohol in it. They helped me down some rough roads and I felt a connection to those people, as we were in the same boat.

 It wasn't until I started looking at myself and what I wanted out of life did I realize how to heal. This took several years and I am still not perfect. I was just lucky enough to have drawn an individual to me this time that treated me with love and kindness not contempt or abuse. Unfortunately there are so many others that are not as lucky.


Here is a link to Al-ANON to help start the healing process if you are in a toxic relationship you want to escape but just can't seem to leave. It's hard I know ,I've been there and was in it for 3 years too long but there is help for you and hope. 

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 
the courage to change the things I can 
and the wisdom to know the difference.

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