Tuesday, October 7, 2014

This little light of mine

It's  2 a.m. and I sit here alone on the couch in pain. My surgery was recently and I just sit here in the dark thinking  too much. Sure I'm  surrounded  by pain killers , but the type of pain I'm in cannot be killed. It's a pain that must pass on it's own. A pain masked by love and fake smiles a pain that is struggling every day to not show. I am careful to not let it rear it's ugly face because no one wants to see that now do they?
It's the same when they ask if you're ok today.  It's  just a passing greeting but no one wants to really hear how you feel.  Everybody lies, because the truth is I hurt and  I'm not okay and I'm terrified of life and if I am living it right.  These things fly through my head all the time. Everyone has a purpose here but we all ask ourselves what is my purpose?  Why am I here ?  Am I important to someone?  What if you don't have an answer so you just sit there and let the wheels turn until it drives you crazy. 
I suppose we all hit a crossroads like this in life, where we question everything.I want you , yes you reading this to know that you are not alone. Every human being on this earth has doubts and sadness and regret.It is how we handle it that makes us who we are. Some handle the sadness or emptiness by trying to fill it with others attention or love, some fill it with alcohol and drugs but this will never complete you. 
We do this and in doing this to ourselves only hurts us and those around us. No amount of attention or drugs will fix you. Only you can fix you, we have to find things that stir our souls. Things that make us feel alive and free, for me this is my writing. Far to long did I try the other roads and it led me only to destruction. Now when I'm sad I write, when I am questioning the universe I write, when I feel that I need love I write. I and only I can love me enough to fill that void. Do not expect others to free you for they will only damn you. 

Do something nice for someone and that is fufilling itself. I have had so many people help me and offer prayers during this difficult time and I thank you. It has meant so much to me, more than you'll know and in turn I will pay it forward helping those who do not ask but clearly need it. That I guess is why were are all here ,that is our purpose. We wonder why we are here and that is it, God has a plan for us, our little acts of love and kindness help people in unimaginable ways and bring light to the darkness. Never lose that ,because that's all we have deep down is that light inside us and that is what will make us whole.

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