Saturday, September 20, 2014

Wake me up when September Ends

I had to wake up at 4:30 this morning to get my daughter to her track meet. The last time I woke up that early was when mom died needless to say I'm not a fan anymore of early morning.
As I was driving back home down my desolate road thoughts were spinning in my head about that day I had to drive to see mom and drive home. I felt an overwhelming sadness and pain that I cannot make go away but only go through it until it becomes a numbness in my heart.
It's hard when you lose a loved one ,no amount of hugs or I'm sorry for your loss comments will fill the void that is left inside you. There's always this dull ache of longing for this person. You could be surrounded by a thousand clowns and it wouldn't make you crack a smile.
Unfortunately that is the price we pay for love ,knowing that when we love someone so much eventually we have to let go because nothing lasts forever. All I can tell you is to cherish the moments you have like they are your last because one day they will be. It could be today ,tomorrow, next week or next year.

I also recently found out that I do not have cancer thank God but a rather large cyst with a tumor inside but it is benign. I was freaking , we all were and didn't know what would happen. Now I just have to have surgery to remove it. This will not beat me. It did however make me think long and hard about my life and what I wanted from it.
That's the thing about life it's ever changing and likes to throw you curve balls. You just have to be ready to catch them and if you don't it's ok. If it knocks you down you get up again, dust yourself off and proclaim "you throw like a bitch" and get right back at it. We are after all only human and fragile at times but we are also the most amazing creatures as well. There is strength in us when we call upon it ,you just need to summon it. When you're hurting or mourning it's ok ,this too shall pass. It's just a part of this beautiful wonderful life of ours, our messy ,crazy , indescribable at times life. You only get one so make it count because you can blink and it has passed you by and you look back and wonder where the time went and wished you could have a do over. There are no do overs in life ,no EASY button , no tag backs. You get one shot ,just one and you have to make it count.
I stop now more often ,take in life. Watch people walking and enjoy or not enjoying their day. I take so much out of simple pleasures now like the rain falling or hearing the wind chimes outside or seeing children playing. I saw a guy behind me in a car today singing to himself and I smiled to myself.  The little things mean so much and I've learned to see beauty where some see none. I will not take life for granted anymore , I will stop and appreciate the little things, because it's all these little things that make life what it is.

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