Thursday, September 11, 2014

Mortality and precious moments



Recently I have had to make a trip to see my other mother or step mother or not? Hmmm Well anyway I went to see her in the hospital or as I like to call her Mom. It's really a long story and I won't bore you with the details but let's just say we were once accepted to Springer. No joke, for real ,not lying.
Anyways getting to the point.So I went to see her with my sister Lorri. Mom is really sick right now and the usual piss and vinegar woman I know is not there and in her place is this fragile and sickly looking woman.
I am standing there at the foot of the bed alone in this sterile , dark room in CCU and as I stand there staring I am coming to grips with my own mortality.  It hits me in that instant that one day this will be me ,one day I will be the one who had so much spunk lying there docile as a new born pup. I will have come full circle then. I realise that we all have this fate and that life is ; if anything precious and short and ironic as fuck. We repeat the same patterns over and over again and it doesn't occur to us till that certain ah ha moment or the "oh shit" moment. That moment of realization that we ,every living thing on this earth all have an expiration date. We are not immortal and we speed through life so hurriedly just to get through the work day that we are old and in a hospital bed before we know it while our children look at us and have the same thoughts.
Why do we do this? Why rush through our life? Children are so eager to grow up and adults so eager to get home that we forget to stop and take the time to appreciate the small , tiny ,insignificant things in life. Things like sitting there on our porch on a chilly crisp day and listening to the wind blow the trees and smell the dew in the air and to feel the breeze on our skin giving us goosebumps. Even in the sad time there are moments that we should appreciate and admire. The time while being sad you hold on to the fact that at least you were alive to feel the sadness creep in to feel the pain. Life without sadness and pain is not a life truly lived.We cannot avoid these things it is what makes us stronger individuals than before. Pain pushes us to move forward to rebuild our beliefs and our souls after they have been tore apart, making us stronger.   We take these things for granted everyday,  but not everyone.  There are those few who have come so close to death ,who have dealt with their own mortality and survived that they now take that time. Cherishing every waking minute they have now because at one time tomorrow was not promised.
I want to be like that and now I do stop and revel in the moments , the sad ones , happy ones , weird ones. I stop and I take it all in and hold on to it as lkng as I can before it slips away like sand through my hands. We are all here because of time , we exist because of it . Without time life would cease to exist. When faced with your own mortality these things in life that seem so big at the time suddenly seem so small and you understand what really matters . So if for some reason you see me staring out into a void don't worry about me ,I'm right as rain. I'm just taking it all in. With that I would like to end with this my favorite qoute by Hemingway,he was a brilliant man.
"But you knew there would always be the spring, as you knew the river would flow again after it was frozen. When the cold rains kept on and killed the spring, it was as though a young person had died for no reason.

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