Wednesday, September 24, 2014

10 things to absolutely never say to a woman

As I was running at the gym the other day minding my own business a gym mate came up and decided he thought it was a good idea to tell me that he noticed I had gained a little weight. He then said that it was okay because women who were too skinny were not attractive and that most men like a woman with some curves to her. "That's what makes her look like a woman." he said. I kept running taking it all in and was more than a little shocked at this. At first I was insulted,but then I understood he meant this as a compliment in some weird fashion. So with that being said I've compiled a list of things to NEVER under any circumstances tell a woman if you want to survive. So here it goes; pay attention gents.

1. "Have you been getting sleep? "
Do not ever ask a woman this guys, it's like saying to us "Hey, you look like shit today and that makeup isn't helping." We instantly want to strangle you.

2." So what's for dinner?"
Haha, seriously? I'm sorry I was unaware that the cook died and put me in charge.

3. "Well I assumed you knew"
Oh boy, that opens a can of worms right there. Never assume we know everything, between cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping and child rearing and work we pretty much are burnt out and some tidbit of information that you may have told us previously has escaped our mind, along with a few marbles and that hamster that was powering the wheel.

4. "Do we have to go visit your mom, dad, family etc"?
Yes, yes you do! If we have to endure your mom constantly belittling us and asking us why we don't come see her every week and listening to her tell us how to cook,clean and wipe her baby's ass,then by God you have to hear our mother do the same thing.No questions,no complaints just do it,end of story.

5. I didn't know what size to buy after you had the baby so I bought one size fits all.
Really?! Well your best best boys is to go with a gift card and stay away from that conversation completely. Unless you want us to go to the store and buy you condoms in extra small only to have you put it on in the bedroom and choke your mini me till he passes out. Not a pretty picture, not a confidence booster for you. If the extra small fits you had better be thankful you have a significant other that appreciates you. You are truly blessed.

6. "Honey, is it that time of month?"
Ohhhhhh damn,back up and retreat to a safe distance now! If you have chocolate or wine now's the time to pull it out of your magic hat guys or you may be pulling a foot out of your arse. We undoubtedly are moody creatures at certain times of the month, but just because we have an attitude with you doesn't mean we are all on our period. This is almost always brought up and nine out of 10 times we are moody because of dumb ass questions like this one.Do we ask you if you're having your man cycle when you've had a bad day? No , we just chalk it up to you're being an arse and we move on.

7. "Do you really think you should wear that at your age?" 
Worse than number 5. You obviously have a death wish at this point and no amount of backpeddling will save you. Be prepared to take the full wrath and refer to number 6.

8."So when are you due?" 
dun ,dun, dun... this is funny as hell for the third party witnessing this but not so much for the people involved, especially since the guy asked a girl who wasn't pregnant! I have witnessed this first hand and the only way to describe the look on the ladies face was that of a Linda Blair scene where her head spun around and she projectile vomited because this lady looked really pissed when asked this and declared she wasn't pregnant. The guy looked kinda like this

9. I've noticed you've gained weight ,curves look good on a woman.                                       
NO NO NO......NO
And finally lastly number 10!

10.Are you sure it's mine?                                                                                                        

Get ready for court,child support and your very soul stripped away after a comment like this. She will undoubtedly take you for everything you have after basically insinuating she was slutting it. I hope you have no plans for retirement or vacations in the near future because you will be spending that money on her new nails and car for at least 18 years now.                                                                

Well gents I hope this article has helped you learn what to say or better yet not say to a woman. We are sensitive creatures and think of this as a guideline or sort of rule book to at least part of our  psyche. Good luck and good day.                                                                                                   
                                          

5 comments:

  1. If anyone wants to leave feedback feel free I love a good conversation.

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  2. Paul that goes without saying.LOL Telling a woman to calm down,that's like trying to baptize a cat.

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