Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Demons in me

It's no secret that I'm a drinker. That's what I do, I love alcohol, except when it turns me into someone I loathe and that's just what it did . I did something to someone, actually a few people that I can never take back and I've done it before and it's destroying people I love and that's never a good thing.

You see I grew up in an abusive alcoholic household. It wasn't the easiest life but it was familiar to me so I never felt it a big deal until it started affecting my life and those around me.  I thought I could handle drinking and I was wrong, so wrong. I grew up seeing my mom abuse it and my step father for the first half of my childhood. There were fights and yelling , it was a bit hectic until she got pregnant with my sister. Then it calmed down, she stopped drinking and so did he to make a better life for their daughter. Sometimes I'm bitter about that because there was no regard  for me or my feelings. No one said gee how will this affect Michele? 
So when I grew up I swore that I wouldn't become that person; until I did. Before I knew it I was out partying with friends and drinking in bars alone,drowning my sorrows. It wasn't the best thing to do but it killed the pain for a while until something in me changed and I became  this angry drunk. This for lack of a better word MONSTER.

 I did things I normally wouldn't do and didn't remember doing. I was hateful to people I love and may have even lost some people I love because of the way I have been. I can't risk anymore heartache or loss. I cannot justify being an asshole because I drink, I have demons that I need to deal with and alcohol has proven that. In short I need to stop,so that's what I'm going to do. No more hurting myself and others, no more dealing with my problems this way. Time to grow up and be an adult. To those of you I have hurt, those I have wronged or judged. I am truly sorry and though no amount of apologies can make up for it, I can at least change myself. I am better than this, I can be more. This will not be my legacy.

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